...confiscation of thoughts...

...moving mountains...

2010-10-27T22:34:00.001-07:00

The past few weeks have been interesting, a mix of situations. In these past few weeks, my dad has had surgery, my mom has come down with vertigo on and off and my sister has asked for my forgiveness on how things were when I left New York. My brother and other sister, we all keep in touch quite often. I speak to my parents every weekend on skype. Throughout my life, my parents have had their ups and downs, but what relationship doesn't. It's great to see that they are still in sync and talking to them, makes me feel like I've never left home.

For me, these past few weeks have been incredibly interesting...as I've kinda made some changes within me. Recently, I had a situation, where I needed to come to terms with life, how I've known it. As one gets older, they seem to collect scars from all facets of their life, like a shield in battle. As we get older, we realize those previous battles and remember all of those ways we've been tricked in the past, wronged or injured...

Although it took me a while to grasp with the situation, I realized, to be open and honest is best. Drop all those walls you've built and come out with who you really are. I'm not saying it's easy, but the past shouldn't prevent your future. Funny, it's taken me 30 years to realize that... So, I walked the plank, dived into the ocean and hoped for the best.

It's quite liberating to be able to give your all...whether it works out the way you wished or not. They say when you venture off to where you've never been before, you change as a person. So, although I may feel the sting...those footprints in the sand, are much truer and more real, than they've ever been before.

...eyes of a foreigner on Korean education...

2010-10-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

Around 2pm on Friday, I was notified that my normal workday was going to be interrupted with a staff meeting/training for one specific program we have. This would have been ok, but I was hungover, in yoga pants, t-shirt, hoodie, no make up and flip flops. (A little heads up in advance would have been nice, but after all, that is the Korean way.) It's a meeting for all of the teachers, directors and managers for a specific program and will be presented in 100% Korean. Oh, and the best part, I was told I have to go up in front of all these people with another native english teacher and be introduced to everyone by the director of the training center. To me, it appears that my presence at such event is a waste of space as essentially, I'm just sitting here clearing my thoughts, mind and hardly understanding much.

This past week was interesting. My second camp was great as my homeroom was filled with a bunch of characters. They raised me up when I was down and I brought them to high spirits when they were exhausted. I nicknamed them my little geniuses as not only were they smart but hilarious as well.

Working in a country where you are so obviously different, they are aware of what you have and what they do not. For example, during camps, once the students get comfortable with the international teachers, they are not afraid to tell you ways in which they adore you. My students wouldn't hesitate to compliment my nose and how it's high and pointy, versus their long and flat, which they see to be incredibly unattractive.

A sampling of what students said to me from this camp alone:
-"kind, clever and beautiful"
-"you look beautiful such as baby doll"
-"You are the best of best teachers"
-"You are my sunshine"
-"you are funny, kind and fantastic teacher"

...while my favorite from this camp... "Your mind is very beautiful like your face." ...very creative...

Any of these, put a smile on your face because the students are so sweet and thankful for all that you do. That, all in all, makes these camps, 12-13 hour days, go by super fast...and make it all worth it.

The odd thing about Korea, is that the culture, is very open to give compliments but not open to receiving them. They strongly resist at receiving them. One of the many cultural differences...sometimes it's good to break away from the mold...psh, not sometimes, I'd say, all the time. I guess I've reached a point in my life, where I've become ok with saying thank you to compliments, and having an open heart and mind. With an open heart and mind, one is truly able to embrace everything that is in front of you...all the future's possibilities and opportunities. A bit of advice, that people all over the world could benefit from...

...nefarious notions...

2010-10-18T05:01:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder, how you can get up and be determined to do something so easily? Ever wonder, how you can be so strong, that many depend on you? Ever wonder, how can fight through the worst, just to show that it could always be worse? Ever wonder, how you can leave everything your comfortable with, to take on a new challenge?

Then, why...why is it, that I can't take a risk, a leap of faith, in asking someone, one question...?

I've always been one to preach quotes, proverbs and quips of courage, determination and taking risks, to my students, siblings, friends and myself. My favorite quote is "Reach for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I've done it in every aspect of my life, except one.

I believe Charles Kettering said it best in my second favorite quote, "It's amazing what ordinary people can do if they set out without preconceived notions." Ahh, is there a way to get rid of a life time of someone being set in their ways...and therefore ridding ones self of their preconceived notions... If not, this may be the first time in my life, I've dealt with regret...

Assurance in hope....

2010-10-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, watching a fellow international teacher set up for her demo lesson, my mind truly isn't present.

It's getting colder here in South Korea. A time back home that's welcomed with the warmth of warm sweaters, warm drinks and tons of time with family.

Today, I think of my family; my brother, sisters and above all, my parents. In all their cuteness, they skype with me weekly, make me laugh until tears fall from my eyes.

My father who has always been so strong for me, telling me to aspire to new heights, higher than anyone in my family has soared before, encouraging me to never give up and to realize the worst that someone can say is "no"...hasn't been himself lately. Realistically, he has every right to be. Wednesday, October 13th at 1:30pm, he's having surgery. Although this surgery is somewhat routine, he's scared.

On our last conversation, I'd told him not to worry as he'll be fine. I assured him they do this surgery routinely, multiple times a day. He said "I hope so..."

Every fabric of my being, is wishing I was back home right now. To help in assuring everything will be ok....

Reeeeeeleaaaaseeeee!!

2010-09-28T05:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, tonight...when a few things are boggling and bothering my mind, I decided to take it way back to August 31, 2009's blog post. Enjoy...

Wow, it has been almost two months since I've written last. This summer has been filled with a lot of fun, relaxing yet crazy and despite what many say, I'm ready for fall. For many, fall brings on new beginnings, school starts, whether it is you going back to school for another semester or sending your child back to school, it's the beginning of a whole new scene once again.

With new beginings (football, clothes, comforts, etc) it brings many things we need to evaluate or leave behind, in order for us to have a fresh new face once again. Now, leave behind doesn't necessarily take it's literal meaning, it's more like letting go. Sometimes, we don't realize that this unnecessary baggage travels with us like a nag, which will spark up when we least expect it or want it to surface. During the summer, I went through an awakening conversation with a friend of mine, and he taught me letting go is not only therapeutic but it's also part of creating a positive mind and spirit.

In a conversation with my friend Christopher, whether it's summer memories, a past relationship or something that's holding you from moving forward, he told me "I've seen amazing things happen when someone is fully released.... If you can fully release your attachment to finding out what happened" or went wrong or is over, chances are, other positive things will happen, just from letting it go.

So, do you think you can do it... Here are the steps below that Christopher told me, they are interesting and not easy, but anyone with a little determination and concentration can do it.

Here is your exercise:

First, see if you could allow yourself to visualize the worst possible outcome of what you are holding on to. (I.e. Will she ignore you forever? Will the money your brother owes you cause you two to never talk again? Did he date you just to get laid? etc, etc, etc.)

1)Could you allow yourself to welcome this feeling of unknowing and abandonment to be here as strongly as you possibly can?
(take a couple seconds, answer emotionally honestly 'yes' or 'no')

2)And now, just for a second, could you let it go?
(take a couple of seconds, same thing)

3)Would you be willing to let this go?
(same thing)

4)If not now, then when?
(same thing)

5)Now take a look inside, and see what thoughts, feelings, images, and emotions are circling within you. Could you allow that to come up and be with you as best as you possibly can?
(Now repeat this exercise, 4-5 times...take your time with each question, around a minute to a minute and a half see if you can really feel what your feeling)

Christopher has told me that he's seen amazing results from this because when people truly release their resistance or attachment to the outcome or situation, it's often surprisingly that many people see the highest outcome happen spontaneously.

I'm not saying it's easy...but to let grudges, thoughts, ideas or attachments go, to me is blissful as it's living with an open heart and an open mind.

Shut up and drive...

2010-09-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I went down and visited an old friend of mine. In a bus for four hours one way to see someone I've known for years; it's always a good way to make you feel comforted and welcome, like you've never left what you're used to.

While I was visiting, I stayed on campus of a prestigious university in faculty housing. It provided a great view on things... From the roof, you received a spectacular panorama of this smaller city. Being on campus of a university shows/tells you a lot about yourself. It kind of takes you back to being a college student again...or rather takes you on a panorama through life.

When on or around a college campus, you see a lot of things...things that you may not have seen in a while. Sports going on everywhere, drinking, students cramming and students falling in love... All of this is a breath of fresh air...kinda a refreshing mindset from the normal autopilot acquired by most.

During my visit, I surveyed some of the city's great eateries, bars and scenery. My friend took me to his favorite restaurants and we had two great nights on the town. This weekend was a weekend of firsts for me. I officially can say I've drank bad beer...not the best experience ever. On the opposite side of the spectrum, I had my first ride on a motorcycle. That was pretty cool...although I think I may have hurt my friend in the process, lol. The campus was very hilly, therefore every time we went up or down a hill, or even over a speed bump, I kept hiding my head and digging my chin in his back. I had tons of trust in him, but I don't have trust in nature and the little boobytraps mother nature throws into the mix, especially knowing what rocks and other stuff can do to a motorcycle.

Some of the scenery was nature, which as most places in Korea, is absolutely gorgeous. Other scenery was very much so on the people watching. People watching in the states can be a sport, but people watching in a different country is a whole different ball game. Girls in Korea will get dressed up daily and show off their best assets (their legs), to attract the guys. And keep in mind, they could be hiking up mountains to get to class, they'll still wear their 4 inch stilletos. Guys on the other hand, will hold hands with other guys, put their hand on other guys laps and/or put their arms around their male counterparts while they're walking to the store, bar, dinner, etc. All of these are sincere forms or showing of trust and friendship. I'd like to say it's them sure of their masculinity, but every bone in my body is kind of taken back by this...although, can't get too taken back by it, because it's evvvvvvvverywhere.

Love in Korea is totally different ball game as well. If a guy and a girl date, it's boyfriend and girlfriend from the beginning. There is no dating to see if two people match, they are automatically bf and gf from day one along with hand holding, and all that seriousness. When I say seriousness, I don't mean that lightly. There is no such thing as casually dating to find out everything about each other. And, if things go sour in the relationship, then the woman hates or forces herself to show hatred to this man, because things were so serious. Personally, I think this takes all the fun out of dating. God forbid you and your gf buy matching outfits and then you don't feel the same way anymore...or even worse, matching underwear...uh oh, signore, you have a death wish headed your way....

This weekend wasn't an eye opener for me, I knew most of this stuff already. But it did help me realize a few things...through all the intelligent conversation with my friend and the ultra observation, I've realized life is precious. If you ever wonder something about your life and wonder why, just realize it's perfect just the way it is, all you need to do is just silence your thoughts and take control of the wheel...

Teach and be taught...

2010-09-23T18:57:00.001-07:00

The first camp is done. Well, I witnessed most of the first camp, where I taught two classes, one on vocab and another on proper restaurant english with Korean comparisons, to six different classes. It was a lot of fun...

This past Monday, we didn't have camp. There is no camp this week because of the Korean Thanksgiving holiday. Their Thanksgiving is called Chuseok. I'm pretty sure I'm spelling that right, if not, forgive me. During Chuseok, all families go home to spend time with their family, where generations can get together and give thanks to their ancestors, thanking them for all they've done, and also thankful for other things as well. They eat lots of food with their family and spend time with their loved ones. It's also a time where many of the palaces and city hall, have a celebration/festival to show what their holiday is all about.

During this time, most businesses shut down, kinda like what most of us were used to on Christmas, circa 1986. Now, their thanksgiving lasts three whole days...so three days of a lot of quiet places, is kinda erie, but also kinda inspiring as well.

This year's chuseok was welcomed by massive floods in the northern part of South Korea. It rained so bad, many places flooded. Due to this, many places and subways were shut down. In addition to that, a lot of the festivals were closed.

This is a pic, I borrowed from my friend Stella. Sad thing is, this isn't the worst of what was seen. In addition to that, other flooding also occured... In Korea, you don't throw toilet paper in toilets. You dispose of it in trash can. I learned this lesson the hard way (although I have to admit, I was warned), apparently plumbing pipes here are very thin, and can't handle toilet paper...oh well!

All in all, my Chuseok was pretty cool, as I got to spend it with an old friend who will be leaving Korea soon. If Chuseok is a time for reflection and realizing what one is thankful for...I am thankful for great friends, great opportunities and great wisdom for enabling me to take such a leap, in deciding to come to Korea.

Fail, to succeed.

2010-09-13T04:08:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day teaching...interesting thing is, I've never thought that I've failed yet succeeded as much as I did today. In my lesson, I had to teach restaurant english. I was introducing my lesson then asked what foods you order at a restaurant, vocabulary and phrases...etc. Then, I heard "Teacher, teacher speak too fast." Yikes...ok, so I slowed down.

So, your first lesson shouldn't be perfect...but at the same time, my first lesson isn't my "first" lesson. I'd taught before...but never to a whole group of middle school students who know an intermediate level of English.

By the end of the day, I was enamored with everything that was going on around me. These students come from the city's schools...miss a week of school to go on a 4 day journey including nature hikes, vocab, listening, speaking, writing, culture, broadcasting, reading, among other cooler things like playing taboo, pictionary, amazing race and other great ways to learn english. I'm simply amazed at how I got myself into such a great opportunity to make others happy. And also simply amazed how a culture has figured out and fully utilized that students learn best, when they are having fun learning.

Now, only to solve two issues...one...make sure I have an endless supply of caffiene for these camps since our hours are 9am-8pm or 9pm and two...find a way to speak slowly on a caffiene kick. I don't know which is the larger problem...

Dirty books and tears of joy

2010-09-10T02:16:00.001-07:00

Today was a weird day. We were in the office wondering what book to choose for an upcoming camp. As it came time to pick books, I apparently wasn't paying attention and got what was left, Stardust. It's a book set in England where it seemed that everyone was out to impress a woman. One day, this man wandered outside the city walls to a fair. As he set out to buy something for his sweet, he stopped at a booth where this woman was. The booth was filled with unique items and as the man tried to pay for his item, the woman stated they don't accept money. He asked what they accept, she rattled off a list and ended it with "or a kiss." He kissed her on the cheek, he received his merchandise and went on his way. But something was different...come to find out he was falling in love with this new girl.

They met up for a second time at the park and gazed up at the stars together. While they gazed, they were talking to each other when everything turned silent. He reached over to her face and felt she was crying. To console her, he kissed her on the lips. She reciprocated. Then he placed his hand on her b.... Whoops, I don't think this book will work, there goes that book.

Koreans don't discuss sex, that would have opened up a can of worms in class! So, I sat at my computer and goofed around on facebook, watched yesterday's episode of Rookie Blue among other things. While browsing on facebook, I saw a new picture of my niece. It's so cute, it kind of made me sad. I don't miss home but I am presented with the reality that I'm going to miss beautiful Paige's first year of life.

We leave work and it is still in my head. As I'm talking to one of my coworkers, I realize that I feel like I want to cry. I've never really been one to cry, I've always felt crying does nothing to fix any problem. The first thing that comes to mind is not Paige, not home, not anything tangible but "wow, I really am somewhat of an emotional person."

As I compose myself because I'm still in a convo with my coworker, no tears are shed and I move on. I decide to have bibimbop for dinner. It's a rice, veggie and egg mix, mainly served hot. As I'm eating, I'm thinking this year is really going to be a learning experience for me. It's only been two weeks and I've already learned A LOT. Thank God we have our welcoming party (for all the new Incheon native English teachers) tonight. My new friends will lift me up. Without that, no internet, only and one english speaking tv channel, I think I'd go nuts. But then again, maybe I already am...I did sign up to go to Asia for a year.

One foot in America, One foot in South Korea

2010-09-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

As of today, I've been in Korea for exactly two weeks. Time has definitely flew by, but in a good way. I was weaned into Korea, first by staying on an army base with my buddy who's in the airforce. This way, I was able to still have American pop music/MTV, Yankees baseball, English language and many other conveniences you don't consider until you enter a country that doesn't have the same alphabet as you're used to.

In the first few days here while staying on the military base, I was able to go out and explore some of the culture here. I enjoyed many different things from Korea's version of Sashimi, Mexican, American and of course traditional dishes which are oh so yummy (and some of which are incredibly spicy). I've already got my favorites set out but still willing to explore new types of foods. As I say a lot around here, I'm willing to try anything once... And please don't say "That's what she said."

The adjustment process really didn't exist within my first few days. While in a shopping district in Seoul, there were quite a few stores Americans are familiar with. Stores like Gap, Converse, Nike among others are seen quite frequently. Even high end stores like Hermes, they're in Korea too. Koreans have also been introduced to McDonalds, Outback Steakhouse, Burger King, Smoothie King and Cold Stone (among others). After talking up how awesome Smoothie King is back in the states, I convinced my friend into getting a smoothie. Needless to say, I learned quickly it is not the same as in the states. I ordered a Cafe Smoothie and got an iced coffee. Huge language barrier when I tried to explain I wanted it blended...needless to say, after trying to point to the blender, I was still stuck with my iced coffee.

In these first few days, I realized a few things, some funny, some reality and others frustrating...ok, well maybe more than a few. ;)

1) Koreans or rather Asians, DO NOT all look the same. They vary in color, the shape of their face, nose, eyes, height, build, etc. Some are as dark as Dominicans, other are lighter than I am.

2) Korean girlfriends love to scream at their husbands/boyfriends in public. I've seen it numerous times and the men just stand there and take it.

2.5) Couples wear matching outfits. I saw young couples as well as older couples doing this. And...also, while window shopping, saw matching underwear sets as a display... So this occurs from your outfit, down to your underwear.

2.75) Couples play games in public, where if you win, you flick the loser in the forehead. But don't stare, cause if they catch you, they will stop playing.

3) The Korean push...on the subway (metro), an older man physically pushed me out of his way for a seat, when there were more than enough seats. Also, senior citizens have seats on the left and right which were open as well(equivalent to the seats for the physically handicapped on the left and right on the subway/buses in the US).

4) Most Korean music is in spoken Korean, except for the chorus. The chorus is in English. Therefore, I've decided, Koreans speak Hanglish (Hangul & English) or rather Korlish (Korean & English). You pick which one you like better, means the same thing.

5) Those seats for the handicapped, include the elderly and pregnant as well. Very traditional culture and senior citizens get preferential treatment. Apparently, they can preferentially push anyone they'd like as well (see number 3).

6) Kareoke (nori bong) is HUGE!! Everyone does it and it's open until the last person leaves. I've been there twice and rock songs are usually a good choice. One of my coworkers has a video of me singing Jump Around by House of Pain. And yes, it was after a few drinks...

6.5) Korea is very much a drinking culture. Any night of the week, you can see people in a restaurant or bar, throwing back shots the native drink of choice, soju.

7)If you stay up until night time in the country you land, you should be ok in the jetlag department. I was so proud of myself staying up for almost two days straight, I stayed up until midnight and passed out. Jet lag didn't show its ugly self until the most random moment. The following two nights I was up at 5 am and wide awake!

8) Sizes are super small, kinda small and small. Americans are usually greeted in stores with the phrase "large-EEE?"

9) There is a place in Seoul which Westerners know very well. The name of this place is called Itaewon. It's said IT-A-WON. Anyway, Itaewon is the home of the "large-EEE" since westerners shop at the markets here, a lot.

10)Koreans are usually very petite or thin people, however in one day I saw 3 morbidly obese people...enter burger king, popeyes, KFC, dunkin donuts, cold stone, pizza hut and dominoes among other american chains that have made their way to the far east. In a few decades, obesity will rise, and so will cancer rates among other things... Sad story, but I'd place money on that.

11) For the same reason, you see a few Korean girls with a voluptuous figure and American men will say this "Burger King is working!"

12) Women live in their family homes until they get married.

13) Korean women love Western men. They also do not tell their parents they are dating one.

14) Rarely, rarely, will you see a Western Woman dating a Korean man. Not that appealing...

15) Earrings and tattoos are looked down upon. They are signs of rebellion, being a rebel and gang affiliation. Almost all elders look down on you because of it.

16) The military respects the local law here. So if any guy in the military impregnates a Korean, they must marry her.

17) Women are extrememly competitive here. Their uniform: high heels, short skirts. It's in all year long.

18) If you think your GPS is cool, HA! Korean GPS systems offer tv, dvd, stocks, music and lastly, directions.

19) Cell phones work everywhere!!! Underground in the subways to on most remote islands.

20) Koreans will have their own name and pick a Western name too.

21) Korea has a monsoon season. And it is humid and rainy almost every day from July to the end of September.

22) The National Anthem of Korea is LONG. Flowers literally bloom during it...

23) Korean porn is on local channels at night.

24) Kids roam free everywhere, including the subway.

25) Koreans don't wear their wedding rings, they feel that they have so much value, they should be left at home.

26) Most Korean beauty/skin products have whiteners in them.

26.5) Almost all Koreans on tv and in advertisements/commercials are very very light. A culture that by far seems to value lighter skin...incredibly obvious.

27) Being exotic and different is weird! Old men staring...younger generations too, they're just better at it.

28) You could be wearing a sweatshirt, they stare. Going out on the town, they stare even more.

28) When there is more than one that looks like you, they don't stare anymore (or as much).

29) Exotic no more: On a daily basis, you will look different and exotic, being a westerner. However, if you see another Westerner, What should you do?

30) Most would think the answer to number 29 is to talk to them...but by this time, you've liked becoming exotic, so you will most likely look down and not make eye contact, because that means you're exotic no more.

"The Decision"

2010-07-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

After to speaking to a few friends, friends who I knew would understand what I was going through with this decision, a few people offered their ideas, opinions and input on the situation. One of my friends, who is abroad, offered this, which I found very funny...

"We'll steal from Lebron James and call your job search "The Decision"!!! So, how is The Decision coming?"

So I fired back with "Well, in lebron style, i'm going to sleep in, gather all of my friends and family and out my decision on fb tomorrow morning. ...guess you'll have to wait to find out..."

I was trying to see if I could come up with some equivalent of taking all of the little basketball fans at the boys and girls club of Greenwich, CT and breaking all of their hearts, while pretending to be a philanthropist but the place your donating to is already rich... Didn't quite work out so well.

So, anyway, around 12pm-1pm today, I will annouce on fb, my decision for the next few months/year of my life. Unlike Lebron, I will not be interrupting your regularly scheduled programing... ;)

It's 4:21pm, do you know where your opportunity is?

2010-07-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, July 14th, I was beyond puzzled. I sat in starbucks, pondering how I needed to perform in the interview I had the next day. So, before I taught, I headed to the classroom of the professor who recommended me, and asked him if I could have a word with him before he left for the evening. He obliged.

Teaching the 9-10:30 class isn't fun. But if you get a good class, which I do, time flies. So, at 10:30, I headed to my colleague's classroom and discussed tomorrow's events. I told him I wanted to know if there was anything I should do or say, maybe what she wanted to hear or anything otherwise. He told me, to focus on what makes me different and that my MBA was achieved 100% online, which is a direction the school wants to take, in offering classes online as well. I then asked him if I could divulge in some details that no one knows. I told him about my international opportunity. I said to him, "as you know, I was laid off from the high school, so I had been looking for a while and realized at this point in my life I want to travel. I've found an opp to teach abroad for the next year and I don't know if I should mention this or not, without it scaring her off." He suggested telling her, so I wouldn't be burning a bridge that he helped create for me, however, I wouldn't regret working there. He mentioned that if I were to take on this adjunct opp for one semester, I'd be a shoe-in and once I'm in the door, I'm set.

Wow, we spent a good hour talking about this opportunity...and I went home with a lot of thinking to do. I woke up the next morning, and headed into Manhattan for the interview. It went well. A person can tell from the interviewer's response to your answers, how attentive and agreeing they are to your answers...and with some answers you give, they are well recepted "Great" or "Very Good" and others you get "oh, ok" or "ah ha" and you sit there puzzled. Oh well, at the very least, she said "I am going to think about this and get back to you Monday or Tuesday of next week...."

After the interview, I emailed the person who recommended or referred me to the college. This was his response:

Wow, I am excited for you.. I have a strong / Gooooooood feeling you are in there. I will talk to her about the online stuff... Don't worry dear, I gotcha covered... It will happen eventually.

Listen, I know it was a tough decision for you to make over the international deal, but trust me when I tell ya, it's well worth the sacrifice...

Nonetheless, I'll be here to support you no matter what. If you are
interested in other places as well, I really don't mind going above and
beyond with hooking you up with other places to work...

My cell # is .... Call me anytime or whenever you need
assistance with anything... :-)

P.S. oh yeah, I told you she would be hard to read... :-)
I read this and was a little taken back...do I really want to do this? Do I really want to stay in NY over an opp to travel the world? But this is a really good school, why wouldn't I want to prove myself over a semester and get a professorship?!?

My birthday, I didn't think about this at all, but Saturday, Sunday and ever day since then, I kept thinking about my decision. (The following is where I'm at since Saturday.) Either I am burning a bridge and going abroad or staying in nyc and not following my heart. Tough decision and I find myself saying I hope I don't get the professorial opp, so the decision makes itself. Ugh...someone told me there is a reason why everyone knows someone who's taught English abroad but the opp to be a professor at this school may/will not. If I stick to my three year plan, I will soon have access to teach in many colleges throughout the states and abroad,...(my three year plan: go abroad for 2 years and then go back for my phd).

So, it's Tuesday at 4:21 pm, Do I know where my opportunity is? Nope, no phone call or email as of yet. I wonder, if she doesn't call today/email today, should I just sign the international paperwork? Or do I go forth with an email asking for an update? Who ever knew having options would be so hard...not I, not I.

An educator's story of clumsiness...and stupidity

2010-07-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

Another year done...and quite possibly another chapter closes as well. So, the large elephant in the room during graduation gave a few of us the proverbial boot from the building. But wait, two days before school is over, they want us to teach summer school?!? I said yes, but can't seem to fully convince myself, other than the fact that the $1300 from summer school could really help me buy that Canon EOS Rebel T2i 18 megapixel SLR I want...especially with the potential travels I may have in store. So reluctantly, I'm doing summer school...

Now, it's July. I've fully moved out of my apartment on the island, and fully moved into my apartment in Westchester. Well, I haven't fully unpacked...still...but, I'm enjoying my summer, so can you blame me? I'm much more focused on selling those things that I won't need abroad and trying to consolidate everything. Soon, I will post a list of things on this blog, that if anyone is interersted in, can purchase. Stuff like dvds, cds, clothes, shoes, etc. Just attempting to simplify...because storage truly is an unnecessary part of life. I refuse to be a hoarder!

Ok, this is probably one of the most all over the place entries I've posted...but, around January, knowing I was going to get laid off, I started to tabulate the stupidest/clumsiest things/moments I'd done/been apart of while at the high school these past two years. While reading these, please note, I sware, I'm a normal human-being...this stuff really does happen. I'm sure I've left out a few, in pure forgetfulness...if you can think of a funny moment, feel free to add it! As you will see, I have no shame... ;)

-While teaching US History to a class of 39, I attempted to pull down the overhead projector and it came off the hooks, sprang up in the air and then fell down and hit the floor.
-substituting an earth science class and a student asking me what the legal age to marry is in NY and then hearing the student say under his breath that he was going to marry me
-Went to drink some water from the bottle and too much water came out and spilled the water I was about to drink all over me...in front of a class of 39 Juniors.
-Playing the movie Election to my AP govt and pol class without proofing it first...rookie mistake! :s (Thank god they were all 18)
-first year: inability to control the word "dude" from coming out of my mouth
-tripping down the stairs and grabbing on to the railing...which foreshadowed the future skull fracture
-Walking around in a daze due to the skull fracture with a headache and inability to hear fully in my right ear...while some people told me I looked green and to go home.
-tripping up the stairs and catching myself before I dive onto the top of the staircase
-tutoring a first grader and her telling me about another tutors plumbers crack and us giggling about it, like a bunch of 6 year olds.
-wearing a pink button down shirt and having the button come undone in the middle of lecture/discussion
-wearing the same pink shirt a month later and it doing the same thing and totally forgetting to throw that shirt out!
-tripping on the computer cord in my classroom
-walked into the desk in the computer room in front of a class of students
-walked into school in the morning with chocolate chips on my face from the power bar I ate for breakfast...and not catching it until after saying hi to multiple people
-While the students are doing group work, playing Christmas carols from the "This Christmas" soundtrack, one of my African American students says out loud "this music is putting me in the mood"
-having to step on the power adapter in my room in order for the monitor to turn on.
-seeing a mouse in my room and running into the hallway screeching like the mouse was size of a bear
-No matter what people have said, I've still yet to control my blushing.
-No matter what people say, at the end of the day, if my students say something funny, I'm going to laugh/giggle.

...and the final last thing that I'd say was stupid...was not leaving that school sooner. The students are awesome...but...it's a black hole for creative educators. So, I'm taking this opportunity, to turn a negative into a positive...and saying that I'm going to teach abroad for the next two years, then looking to enroll in a PHD program.

The quasi-crusader of elephants, confidence and fiscal conservatism

2010-06-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

Saturday started off super early. Got up, showered, did my hair, make up and headed out the door at 7am. Starbucks grande bold, eggwhite sandwich and I was on the road. After being stuck in construction traffic for about 30 minutes and still about 15 miles away from work, I was not worried, not even an ounce.

I arrived at work around 8 am and I saw everyone sitting downstairs, conversing and doing a whole lot of nothing. I joined them, and tried to talk about everything BUT the obvious elephant in the room. Regardless, most of us were there because we love them...this year's senior class is a great group of students, and above all, at least I know, I'm there for them...not for the elephant....

Like robots, we lined up, walked, sat, stood and applauded. Some of us were trying to stifle our feelings for the elephant because one by one, we saw all of our former students, crossing the stage into the real world. It goes without saying, we're excited for them, because there is much more to life outside the building they've been stuck in, themselves stifled over the past four years, with so much to discover outside the building strategically placed in the middle of a cul-de-sac in NYC. (If anyone knows anything about ideas from the far east and feng shui, a cul-de-sac is the presence of negative stale energy...odd and interesting thought, eh?)

Graduation was soon over, we're very happy for them, but due to the stigma, most of the faculty has escaped out of the building as fast as they can. We're afraid the elephant may see us or worse, ask us to help. Why is it so hard to help? Going back to an expression I learned in the hospital of hell, a few months ago with my skull fracture, "You can get more with honey than lemons."

After graduation, I headed for Westchester county, as I had a family baby shower. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I HATE showers in general...but due to space and needs, my brother had planned it at an Ale House. What a perfect way to have a shower...beer, cocktails, baseball and family! Am I in heaven?!? This is my kinda baby shower!!!

Hours go by, shots with my brother and his friend, tending to the mommy to be and just a whole lot of fun period...the shower was over. A few of us who still wanted to have some fun, headed to my brother's place. Once all of us decided what we wanted to drink, my brother and I headed to the liquor store. We walked past a bank and right in front of the bank was a homeless man asking people for money. Now, clearly this man didn't know his market, because ATM machines do not spit out dollar bills or change and the people going in have no money on them, hence going to the ATM in the first place. Where do you know that people give bums 20s?!?!? Seriously?!?!

So, my brother saw the homeless man and screamed out, "Get a job!" I slapped my brother on the arm and said his name loud enough for him to know I was annoyed with him. If there's something I've learned lately, you never know what's going on inside someone's head. Did I agree with my brother in his comment, yes, but did I approve of his actions...no. "Walk past him like almost every other New Yorker would do," I said.

I woke up the next morning with a dull headache and think...Wow, I drank 6 beers, 4 shots and a fourth of a bottle of Bacardi coconut, and all I had is a mild headache? I guess I'm not aging after all! ...but I sure needed water...and STAT!

Headed home, I didn't hit any traffic and successfully spent my morning doing laundry and running errands. Almost done, I'm folding my laundry while Moby played on my itouch and some guy wandered into the laundromat. He appeared some what disheveled but no different from some guy who just worked construction or painted all day. I thought, "something is not right with this man," and kept on folding.

"Excuse me, do you have a quarter or any spare quarters. I need some money to get me some soup." I ignored him and realized, if this guy goes nuts, I'm trapped in a laundromat...and that's a sad way to die. He asked again and then for some reason, my brain went to the thought that it's 90 degrees and humid, why does this man want soup? This time I realized I had to respond or this man will continue, "No, sorry, don't have any." The man wandered on and then a woman ran to the door and said "I have quarters," went to her car and grabed change. He thanked her and walked away.

About five minutes later, he came back. He stood in the doorway of the laundromat with a foot long sub in his hand, which costs more than a few quarters, and looked directly at me and says "Thank you." I ignored him knowing he's either mocking me considering I didn't give him anything or he's so far gone, that he didn't realize it wasn't me who gave him money. He said thank you again and this time, I realized he's not going to leave. He said thank you for the third time and raised his sandwich. My subconscious jumped in control and I blurted out "Don't thank me, I didn't give you any money."

On the outside, I appeared calm, cool and collected, however, on the inside, my brain thought, what, where, why and how did that come about...? I realized, my values and ideals about society jumped into the drivers seat and took over the passive present me. My parents raised me to be polite, confident and go with what you believe in. They also raised me that if I don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Now, as a person in college who discovered her love for politics, society and ideology...I also realized that if a person has two legs and can walk, then they can work to put food on their table. I didn't have an ounce of guilt with what I did. I don't know if you consider my actions to be wrong or not, but as people become educated, myself included, you realize...it is a cruel, cruel world...and if you work hard and hold your head up high, you will survive....

Funny how this world works...kinda like God put the same situation that happened walking with my brother, right in front of me, to see how'd I react on my own. Not the first time this happened, homeless people run this city like the rats run the subway. Sorry, guess I've come to a place where the spiritual me is in the passenger seat and the driver is my fiscally conservative fighter pilot. Now that is one scary crusader...

...idiosyncrasies, greed and utter awesomeness...

2010-06-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

Knowing that it's been way too long since last writing, I wholeheartily apologize for not posting sooner. My brain has been bogged down with negative things going on at work, positive things going on with my future and the many indifferent idiosyncrasies in between. A few milestones to note:

-in two weeks, another year of teaching is over
-in two weeks, I will be moving out of my first "own" apartment ever
-in four weeks, I will be an auntie for the first time
-in eight weeks, I hopefully have found someone to take over payments on (the financing of) my car
-in ten weeks, I may possibly be moving out of the country

These five, in and of itself, have been a terror to me in both positive and negative ways. At first, I was a little apprehensive of becoming an aunt, but now I'm excited and can't wait for the special day. I'm also very happy that this year is over. I can write a book alone on all the things that are wrong with the high school I work at, and I assure you, the dirt, gossip and forlorn greed with lack of consistency, would alone make this book a new york times best seller.

The other three, are bogging me down with many small, meticulous details, that are causing my life to be extremely painstakingly particular. The positive, is that if it all works out in the end, it may be the best, most liberating decision, I've ever made.

Lastly, the one thing I left off this list, is my thirty-th birthday (which is 6 weeks away). I'm not so concerned about this, because I really don't feel like I'm "30." However, saying that implied something slightly "stigmatic" about turning 30. Properly phrased, I'm not concerned about my 30th birthday, but can't put my finger on why I'm not concerned. One thing is, with everything going on, I definitely want to be able to do something utterly awesome on my birthday. Any ideas (with a confined budget in mind)? All of your help is truly appreciated and as always, regardless of what wins, you are more than welcome to be a part of my special day. (All things said, if I do go abroad, I'm having a bash, to celebrate my 30th and my going away.)

Anyway, back to what I'd previously asked, any ideas? :P

The Alien Among Us

2010-05-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

He/she is among us.
He/she is one of your closest friends.
He/she is a hard working part of society.
He/she is missing a few pieces from the puzzle.

He/she is among us.
He/she is our friend.
He/she tries to find ways to relate.
He/she thinks a smile/laugh is the perfect antecdote.

He/she is among us.
He/she was one of your closest friends.
He/she felt displaced in a world of dual incomes.
He/she is confident but struggles at times to feel a part.

He/she was you,
He/she is me,
He/she can be any of thee,
He/she is the alien among us.

So close...yet sooooooooooooooooo far...

2010-04-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

At first...I thought he was weird, but I could tell he was into me. Isn't that how it always starts?

Is it quite possible that once I've found the perfect man, I will concoct ways or arguments or fights to see if he will run away? Or furthermore, how is it the guys I usually don't like in the beginning turn out to be the ones that make the best relationships?

Seriously, he's perfect (giving, funny, cute, athletic, my friends love him, smart, all of which make him quite irresistable and hot, shall I go on...?) But he doesn't live close, I don't see him often and above all, he's one of God's greatest gifts, he's a friend. And a great one too, to boot.

Now, don't expect me to break into song, we'll leave old school Slick Rick for that one but seriously... Why chance it? Why risk the best gift ever, to even open up to someone and tell them how you feel...at the possibility of no longer having that close bond of friendship? Why take the chance, of messing everything up, for the small odds of a greater chance, of a happy ending? As it is, happy endings, such as this fairytale, only come once or twice in a lifetime...

Thirty and Thriving?!?

2010-04-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

As I sit and ponder the decisions to be made in the next few months, I realize I’m going to be 30 soon. Sheeeeeiiiit, I’m going to be 30 in 80 days!

Ok, I’m not really as freaked out as that last statement implies however, while a lot of people are creating lists on things they want to do before they’re 30, I’m looking back and thinking about success (past, present and future.) How successful can I say I am, when I turn 30?

In life, I’ve always went for what I wanted. (Read that again. “Went” for what I wanted and not “get” what I wanted.) I guess I am a product of my father’s teachings…he’d always say (and still does) “What’s the worst they can say? No!” This turned on my Dad when I went to apply to transfer from a college in New York to a college in Florida. He didn’t want me to go, but I did anyway. In 2002, after four years of undergraduate study, I graduated with my B.A. in Political Science with a Minor in History. Two years later, without a job or knowing more than five people in Chicago, IL, I picked up everything and moved. One year later, I completed my Master of Business Administration and four years after, I graduated with my Master of Science in Secondary Education.

At my current situation, I’m living on my own, working three jobs (teaching high school history, teaching college business and history and tutoring in various subject areas) and with this situation I’m making ends meet. I haven’t paid back student loans since 2007 (when I entered my MS Ed program) and at the current moment can’t afford them. In addition, since I left the business world, I haven’t been able to put anything aside for retirement. No 401k or 403b contributions here. Ditto for savings.

How can someone be successful without the liquidity or the availability of some funds to pay back student loans or be able to put some money away? With that in mind, how is it that an educated 29 year old, isn’t able to be successful?

The first thing that comes to mind is the infamously notorious Kayne West.

"School Spirit Skit" by Kayne West
You keep it going man, you keep those books rolling,
You pick up those books your going to read
And not remember and you roll man.
You get that associate degree, okay,
Then you get your bachelors, then you get your masters
Then you get your master's masters,
Then you get your doctorate,
You go man, then when everybody says quit
You show them those degree man, when
Everybody says hey, your not working,
Your not making in money,
You say look at my degrees and you look at my life,
Yeah i'm 52, so what, hate all you want,
But i'm smart, i'm so smart, and i'm in school,
And these guys are out here making
Money all these ways, and i'm spended mine to be smart.
You know why?
Because when i die, buddy, you know
What going to keep me warm, that right, those degrees

Was Kayne right? I find myself wondering...

At the current moment and time, I find myself realizing that I do not want to be in secondary education anymore,(Interestingly enough, my wish may be granted on May 15th) because I truly love teaching college. There are so many serious flaws in secondary education, both public and private, which is discouraging. Due to this, I find myself saying, I shouldn't be miserable at 29! Burnt out should not happen at this age, especially doing something you love!

I need to find a way to be financially sound/successful and on my path there, at my 30th birthday. I want to go back for my doctorate...and if I have to prove Kayne wrong, so be it. So, a year or few abroad...and then doctoral program here I come.

Bada bing...bada boooooooooooom!

2010-04-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

This morning, I woke up early, got ready and excited to be starting my week off on the right foot. (Little things mean a lot in the morning, I'm not a morning person, I'll usually spend most of my morning in bed and just mad dash it out the door). So, when everything was falling into place, I was excited to walk out the door at exactly 6 am. I walk about 15 feet and realize "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk" as I forgot my keys on my landing strip. What a fantastic way to start a week!

As I decide what to do, I try and break into my own home. The one window that's open is flawed as it only opens a crack. I then decide to call my landlord at 6:15 am, hoping she/he can let me in. I got voicemail, so I stand frustrated as I am locked out of my house and my car. About five minutes later, she calls and tells me she'll be able to let me in around 7:15 am. So I wait...and decide to correct some tests in my bag. Once I'm done with correcting the tests, I decide to put them together neatly and some of them go flying down my staircase. Lovvvvvvvvvely! At this point, I said fu*k it, this isn't my day already...I'm going in late.

My landlord shows up, lets me in, I grab my keys and head off to run some errands. I hit up starbucks, have my needed grande bold and off to Kinkos. At Kinko's I fax over the request to the Mayor of Bella, Italy for my grandfather's birth certficate. I really needed to get my quest for citizenship off the ground. Fax sent, confirmation received and off to school. On my way to school I turn on the radio and hear a local morning radio show talking about a celebrity and her recent interview with Esquire magazine.

I've never heard of this woman...so I decide to google "Christina Hendricks, Letter to Men." Whoa...hello hottie...thank you God, a woman with curves!!! It's always good for us women to know that real women exist past Kate Moss and other emaciated models.

Apparently Esquire magazine put out a poll and she was voted America's Best looking/Sexiest woman alive. I'll bite, she is pretty hot. So, with this title, she was asked questions or asked to write an article on her feelings/insight on men. Below the pictures, details the article she wrote, with her honesty on men in general and their relationship with women.

www.esquire.com/women/women-issue/christina-hendricks-sexy-0510#img

This article hits home with what a lot of women think is sexy about their man or men in general and goes even further to help guys relate, date and communicate with women. My personal favorites are:

"Speaking of your body, you don't understand the power of your own smell. Any woman who is currently with a man is with him partly because she loves the way he smells. And if we haven't smelled you for a day or two and then we suddenly are within inches of you, we swoon. We get light-headed. It's intoxicating."

and

"There are better words than beautiful. Radiant, for instance. It's an underused word. It's a very special word. "You are radiant." Also, enchanting, smoldering, intoxicating, charming, fetching."

and

"Remember what we like. When I first started dating my husband, I had this weird fascination with the circus and clowns and old carnival things and sideshow freaks and all that. About a month after we started dating, he bought me this amazing black-and-white photo book on the circus in the 1930s, and I started sobbing. Which freaked him out. I thought, Oh, my God, I mentioned this three or four weeks ago and talked about it briefly, but he was really listening to me. And he actually went out and researched and found this thing for me. It was amazing."

Just a few bits on the awesome article that people can't stop talking about.... Now, I can't figure out what my bada bing, bada boooooom related to...the article and how on point it is to guys or how smoking hot that star from Mad Men is... As we in NY say... Hiiiiiiiii yooooooooooooooooo! ;)

Baffled beyond belief!

2010-04-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

Every year on April 15th, people freak out across America. Why do you ask? Well, most would say it's tax time and therefore procrastinators unite. Agreed, however, not what I was alluding to. In the world of private school education, it's the date where teachers find out if they will be handed that proverbial pink slip, and sent packing elsewhere looking for next fall's opportunity.

A few days before April 15th, the teachers at the school I teach at gathered in the auditorium for a faculty meeting to hear due to the two new high schools opening up in the area, our administration and union got together and came to the following conclusion: (Instead of giving off layoff notices or contracts (which either may be reneg'ed upon)) "we will be letting everyone know on May 15th if they are expected a teaching opportunity for Fall 2010."

May?!?! Wow...although I understand the rationale behind it, that is really delayed. My analytical self has been freaking out for quite some time, in which I've referred to from time to time as a minicrisis. Knowing that since I'm last one in, in our department, I'll most likely be the first one out this year, I've had my wheels churning for quite some time. About a month ago, I met with my coworker from Columbia, she told me for the first time in history, Teachers College can not guarantee jobs to their graduates. Shi*, if Columbia grads can't get a job out of college, then we're all doomed. So, I called my old grad school advisor and spoke to her with the honest truth/babble coming from my endless thoughts. Confirming what I thought, she told me that most of my thoughts were right on target. She told me this mini-crisis I'm going through is healthy, because honestly, I'm way ahead of the game. So, upon my thoughts were things like should I go back for my doctorate, should I teach abroad and what can I do with the conglomerate of education I've accumulated. Her wise words were:

-think outside the box and create an ideal career for you
-what makes you different

Well, this moved me but stumped me all at the same time. So, I wrote it down and continued to speak to her about things. She said with my MBA and MS Ed, I'm a unique candidate and have many opportunities that many don't have. I asked, what about the educational sector abroad, they don't have the same issues our country is currrently dealing with and she agreed. She confirmed that teaching abroad is a great idea in waiting for the educational sector in the US to heal.

So, a month later, I sit here....wondering.... I've done research on countries abroad and how much teachers get paid. I love to travel, why not go abroad to a country where I can learn about a new culture, customs and language.

Most people who know me well, know I've done things like this all my life, a little research and then jump for new heights and opportunities that most wouldn't even consider. I've always lived my life with no regrets. Heck, I decided to transfer colleges without visiting and it ended up that going to school near farms in rural Florida was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

This time I find myself baffled. As the days go on, I find myself seeing more jobs in higher ed. Should I go abroad, learn and teach in a new culture, get to travel, see the world and come back with some money saved and jump into my doctoral program? Or, do I go into a local public or private college who needs an adjunct and get cozy in an opportunity there?

I personally tend to lean towards going abroad, but the following scares me.

a) will I be missing out on an awesome opportunity in the states?
b) will I regret not watching my future neice and first neice/nephew, grow up? (my brother is expecting a daughter in June)
c) will this opportunity make me any more marketable, once I return?
d) will this opportunity make me any more marketable to Italy or Western Europe, once I get my citizenship to the EU?

On my recent trip to Florida, for rest and recoop, I asked this question to my friends. They were split on the issue. Half told me they'd miss me but to go for it as it's an opportunity of a lifetime. The other half told me that they think I should stay for various reasons. In a recent conversation with an old coworker/friend of mine in NY, she selfishly told me not to go because she'll miss me too much. In speaking to a friend who's in the military and another friend who's teaching abroad, they both tell me I'd love it and it's a great opportunity.

I need help, opinions and assistance on this. What is your inkling, intuition, ideas tell you about this? I know it's not something most people could do, but what is your advice to me... I don't have kids, no mortgage (although my student loans equate to one), nothing holding me back...should I...or shouldn't I.

"Suspicious" Drinks

2010-03-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

2010...has been an interesting year to say the least. To start the year off, New Years was celebrated in Florida with good friends, knowing that I will most likely not have a job in Fall 2010 at the high school. I left Florida and on the way home from Kentucky, I prayed that I would make it through the snowy states of Ohio and Pennsylvania safely and me and my fishtailing Mazda make it home without a scratch, bump or dent. I made it home, took the next day off because the 18 hour drive through the snowy mess made me exhausted and drained. It was that same day that I rushed out the door to orientation at the college and fell to my first fracture. Awww, symbolic...first fracture, went out with a bang, a skull fracture. I recently threw the pants (had the tear in the hem which my heel got caught in and sent me flying) in the trash. I still can't part with the heels and don't think I will...I mean it wasn't their fault?!

Earlier in the week, checking my long to do list, I saw that I needed to call Gary. This man, nicely pulled over to help someone he didn't even know...and followed up to make sure the random stranger was ok. So, anyway, 8 weeks later, I made the call and left a voicemail asking him if I could buy him a drink.

My bad luck in 2010 continued this past week when I tripped out of the mailroom as my heel got caught in a gap in the carpet and later that day was sent to the principal's office for calling a student "suspicious." I put on the wonderful public relations face to mask feeling and expression until I walked out of the office. Lovely... Once I left people could tell I wasn't happy, apparently, I don't mask it very well. My only saving grace was knowing I was going into the city later on that day, to get a hair cut and happy hour.

Excited to see my fave hairdresser ever, had a fantastic conversation and cut with him, got a manicure and headed back to the island. Did I ever say how much I love Manhattan? Well, I don't say it enough, I love Manhattan! If I could get a teaching job at a good school in the city, I'd give up my car for it.

Home, parked my car, walked to the bar and ordered a cocktail. While sailing with the captain, I bbm'd with friends about our days and I sat there waiting and wondering if this guy was going to show. About 20 minutes late, he shows up. As planned, I bought thefirst round of drinks...even though I had to fight to do so. Needless to say, he wouldn't let me pay from there on out.

During the time we were there, I noticed a few things... This man, who helped me up from my tumble and concussion, was a very nice man in his late 30s-early 40s, about 5' 10", athletic, owns real estate, works as a phys-ed teacher, coaches football and track, loves his job and has a brother. I also learned, this man had an alterior motive. He was very touchy feely, was standing way to close and kept saying my name randomly in conversation. (I went on a date with someone who did that...dude, stop saying my name, I'm not a representative for a business venture, no need for the name repetition. I didn't really say that but I wanted to.)

Now, let's discuss a few of these things I've said. If you don't know someone...and you leave less than a foot between you and them, to me, that's an invasion of personal space. There should be at least a foot of distance between us, sorry. As for the touchy feely...you really need to "feel" a person out first. You can't go for the arm touches, etc. in the first five minutes of hanging out with someone! That's a violation buddy... And lastly, the name calling...dude, you know my name and I know my name, why...why do you have to say it every once in a while? Is this in the man-ual somewhere that I'm unaware of? Because this needs to be extracted from the record. I know, in the business world, they strongly suggest and explicitly encourage people to mention a customer, client or prospect's name at certain times during a sale, conversation, presentation, etc...but on a date or hanging out with friends is extremely inappropriate. And furthermore, if I was your client, customer or prospect, and you mentioned my name more than 2 times (beginning and end of our conversation), I'd contemplate future business with you!

After saying all of these things that made him seem great on paper and conspicuously taking out his wad of cash to pay for a round, I wasn't at all attracted to him. I didn't care if he was a millionaire, owned all of long island or complimented me on everything. There is just something about a guy who is touchy feely, invades personal space and/or says my name over and over again, that makes me want to cut an evening short.

In January, a wise woman told me…In order to be able to shop whenever you want, you need to “find a great guy, Marry him, give him beautiful children that bring him joy, have lots of s** to keep him in a state of euphoria, and you, too, can shop til you drop." It's not about the money, it's about a connection, love and two people making each other eternally happy.

I love my life......or do I?

2010-02-28T08:23:00.001-08:00

Living alone has its perks, however, I've found that it leads to a lot of thinking. Or maybe the excessive thinking comes from the fact I still don't have cable or internet? Regardless, for a person like me, this can be lethal. I mean, as you already know, and I think this blog stands as a fantastic example of it, I am a chronic sufferer of analysis paralysis. Anyway, I've recently discovered a lot of things about myself. Topics such as friends, career and life are still contemplated. I began to think, those areas where I feel 100%, like family, aren't considered. Interestingly enough, as busy as I am, I still find time to think about all of these things.

Friends... I am a very lucky person in this department. I have a great set of 4 friends I made from growing up, who've made it through us all growing up and some of us growing apart, and we still get together whenever we can. What makes me even more of a fortunate person, I have a great handful of friends I made in college, which I still talk to on a regular basis. All of these friends, except two who live in NYC, including those good friends I've met along the way who have no association to my schooling, all of them live in different states and have different circumstances. Some are married, some are married with kids, some not married with kids and others have found love and dropped off the face of the Earth and finally there are those who regardless what they've embraced, I will chat with on a weekly basis. Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with my friends, which vastly stretch from California to England to Italy to Korea. However, being on my own, I've come to realize, a few I may have thought were friends, may possibly not be as good of friends as I may have thought they were.

How can a 29 year old woman find a way to make new friends? These are the suggestions I'd give to someone, if they asked me this question. Work is not a great answer because if you don't like where you work, then you're the first person to want to get out of there and not associate with others. Plus, those that are great to you at work, also have families and don't have the time to hang out. Join an organization...well, this can be slightly harder than it seems. My first example, would be a book club. I wouldn't join a book club if you paid me. I am not an ordinary person when it comes to reading. I like to read about history, business, current events and things that will make me ponder reality. You will rarely catch me reading a book that doesn't relate to this. SO...9 times out of 10, I will reject the book club's selection to read. And lastly, I'm reading a shi* load of papers for my high school and college classes, the last thing I want to do is read something that I'm not interested in.

Other types of clubs or organizations, would be charity or sports involved. I am in the process of getting involved in a drum corp, which can bring me multifaceted opportunities. I will be able to dance again, like I did in high school, and challenge myself to many things because of this. It also is an opportunity to network to get into a high school on the island, to teach guard and social studies. Still looking to get into a running club or organization, those who like to run no more than 3 or 4 miles daily. (If anyone knows a group of 20-30 somethings who run on the west end, let me know.) Plus, running can become charity because if you run 5K's or anything of the sort, the money or a portion of it, goes to charity.

But other than these, how does an emerging thirty year old, gain a few trustworthy friends? Those you can count on, those who can relate to what you're going through and those you can call at 3 am to just talk to about the bull shi* that's keeping you up at night? I guess I'm searching for my pledge sisters all over again, but I guess I feel without close friends, close by...I feel like a part of me is missing. Just two or three...in New York, that's all. Or is this a part of growing up, and part of me is still stuck in my college days where I had those friends to go to, no matter what.

Career and life can be clustered together. Is it me, or is it that life is not complete until you've discovered what it is you are successful at and enjoy? And without this, you feel lost? What happens if you think you've found what you're looking for, yet, you can't find a job that's enough to pay the insurmountable debt you've accumulated from educating yourself to be adept enough in your field? Well, my search continues on...as I continue to contemplate the following... Is this just a question I'm facing? Is it the economy? Will there be more work available if I go back and get my doctorate? If I were to wait out the economic conundrum we're in, will there be a public school job waiting for me, that is worth it? Should I wait it out...or jump ship into the business atmosphere?

The one area that has emerged in my mind lately with career and life is location. I love New York...and I have have a few shirts that prove this so. However, I honestly think my ideal situation would be living in New York part of the year and Florida some of the year. Additionally, I have this yearning to live abroad. How awesome would it be, to be able to explore a new culture for a year, your own ancestry or even travel the world? Is my brain trying to tell me to join the military? Doubtable, however, it is a thought. I love New York...but need to find a way to venture out and explore the world. What career ventures can I jump into that can enable me to do so? If I don't do this, I fear I may end up regretting it and at 29 years old and 8 months, I can proudly admit, no regrets yet.

Funny, I had these same thoughts (just not on such a grand scale) when I was in my mid twenties...which most people would refer to as a quarter life crisis. Am I going through a third life crisis? Or quite possibly is this questioning going to occur in my head every time I wonder about possibilities? Will I ever be satistifed with what life gives me? Will I always strive to be better? Or one day will I be blessed with an awakening, the answers...? I don't know, but hope if I keep plugging along, working like a immigrant, newly entered into the United States trying to make ends meet, maybe I will be rewarded. At least that's what both my grandfather's said, it worked for them...will it work for me?

With confidence, comes abilities and abilities becomes possibilities...

2010-02-21T11:02:00.001-08:00

This past week has been interesting to say the least. I love vacations...I find myself usually very lazy, as it is time off, however, this break, I was super productive. Other than some missing furniture, few things to be fixed and a fresh coat of paint, I'm settled into the apartment. Also, I used this vacation to get caught up with family and friends.

On Friday, I went to go visit friends in Connecticut. While visiting one of them, I got to say hello to her mother, who was staying with her to help her with getting adjusted to her newborn. While visiting any of my married friends, I feel like Carrie in one of the first episodes of season one, where she goes out to her friend's home in the Hamptons...and her having to entertain them with her singlescapades. And so the question came... "So Ang, are you dating anyone?" I found myself empty of information to share. I didn't know if I should take out my tapshoes to entertain or what. I wasn't sad or happy in having nothing to report...but then my friend's mom went on with a story of when my friend was 21, living at home with her parents. One day she spoke to her mother and said something like she was 21, hasn't found the one and furthermore she would never get married. Her mother responded with something like "don't worry, it will happen." And jumping forward, within the next 12 months is when she met the one she ended up marrying. I didn't even have time to think...and the words popped out of my mouth..."I'm not worried."

Should I be? I mean, out of all of my close friends, I am the last of my close college friends to be single and from my close high school friends, it's just me and another girl who are still single. Was there a hidden reason, other than inspiration, for them informing me of this?

Someone who is very close to me, recently got out of a long term relationship and is struggling to get on her feet. Not literally, but for her, it appears to be, without a significant other or dating prospect, she is incomplete. For example, she's turned to online dating websites, to complete her life. In talking to her, she reports the dates she has in the future and nothing else. I almost fear at times, if we were to ask her what she would do in her free time or what she enjoyed doing, she'd say she didn't know. It's almost like, she has no self identity, without someone else to complement her.

Rewind back to our faculty Christmas party...a coworker of mine and I were talking about her recent engagement. She had said something about her mother telling her (when she was very young) she's a princess and to always wait for the guy who will treat her like the princess she is and this man will be chivalrous, take care of her, etc. Then she asked me "Didn't your mom teach/tell you that?" I responded "nope." Alarmingly, she was shocked.

I truly believe in this day and age, especially those of us who are dedicated to our work, it can be difficult to meet a prospect. However, I firmly believe that in this day and age we can still meet other people organically. It's possible...but in order to meet people organically, you need to be confident in your abilities, interests and put your best foot forward. Believe me, it is very apparent to those who are confident; if you are insecure, lacking self confidence or esteem. And the sad part is, there are people out there who are waiting to leech onto those who are slithering away into vortex of negativity.

To turn this around, all it takes is doing something daily, that makes you feel confident in yourself. (And as a wise man once told me, to be confident in your abilities, desires and interests makes a person incredibly sexy.) And with confidence, comes abilities...and abilities becomes possibilities. And believe me, the possibilities are endless...

Presidents, precedents and their work

2010-02-20T09:52:00.000-08:00

Deepest apologies on having not written in weeks. After the whole head injury, I moved out of my old place and into my new place. In addition to that, I've started teaching two college courses, a course called professional development, which helps students who are going to school to obtain their Associates Degree put together a portfolio, which includes their resume, cover letter, reflective letter on their time with the school and other projects they've done throughout their time with the school. The other course I'm teaching is a history/business course...detailing all about how industry has developed in the US and who were those who brought industry to the forefront. On a positive note, I do find that I love teaching college courses much more than high school, but they both have their pros and cons.

So, needless to say, I've been busy... And the only time I get to write this blog is when my happy a$$ heads to starbucks, because I've sworn off Cable and Internet in my new place until I get totally unpacked and settled. I mean, what's the use for cable if I don't have a couch anyway?!? But, the internet is becoming an issue...especially teaching these college courses, I need access to my school email, etc. I find myself at Starbucks, just as much as I'm at my apartment...

Although Presidents Day was Monday, this week seems like the perfect week to speak of a person and their career. After all, we do remember each president for their time in office. When we look back at all of the presidents...some see their accomplishments in a positive light, others in a negative light. For example, FDR...many people feel he went too far with some of his reforms, others feel he hadn't gone far enough. Another example, Clinton, was he really such a fantastic president? Or...was it because he happen to be in office during a successful time for the United States, fiscally and fundamentally? And not to get too far into it, but I'm waiting to see the fruits of our labor from the Obama administration (yet others feel he's helped us stray far from an economic plunge). Anyway, it's all relative and left to perception, ideology and fiscal fundamentalism.

Far from anyone who has the impressionism of a president, my life has seemed to fall to precedent. We are all brought up and taught, if we work hard, we will be rewarded. Yet, where do we draw the line?

My work week resembles this... Monday and Wednesday: up at 4:30 am, school, then off to teach the college courses, arrive home somewhere between 9:30 and 10pm. Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I arrive home somewhere between 5 and 6 pm (if I don't tutor after school, maybe home by 4), where I usually get home to make dinner, grade papers and pass out somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30 pm. Saturdays and Sundays are usually catching up on those things I haven't done during the week.

While in my Economics class, one of my ditsy and disturbing seniors said something, so profound (especially for her), that it even made me take a step back... "Ms. V...why is it that some people work so much, that it's their life, and others realize they don't have to?" Without going into privledge and other details unnecessary, I said "You mean 'Work to live versus live to work?'" She agreed.

I thought...we're all raised based on the precedent of our predecessors, ancestors and parents... Work to make a living, make a better life than those who were before us, to become successful...but where do we draw the line? Where does the balance come into play? If we want to be successful, we appear to be living to work, yet we're shunned in regards to other factors... How do we all find this balance in such a competitive and global world?

With student loan interest mounting and an overall student debt which equates to some people's mortgage, I'm currently dedicating myself to my work. Yeah, I may be shunned from some aspects of life, but all in all, my dedicated and determined self needs to make sure I have a job in the fall (recently found out I will be most likely be excessed at the end of the year at the HS), be confident in my abilities and able to live my life the way I want to. Heck, as long as I stay sane...who cares. Maybe I should look for a fourth job... Starbucks, are you hiring? ;)

Starting the new year off on the right foot...

2010-01-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

The completion of a year brings reflection...yet the beginning of a new year brings changes. Usually, people make resolutions that will help them make changes for a better new year. Kinda like starting the new year off on the right foot...

...in my case, my left foot went forward and the heel caught my right hem/cuff and I went flying head first onto the cement staircase outside my apartment. Instead of me recapping the whole event, step by step...I'm going to look back at some of the highlights that made me frustrated, laugh, cry or smile.

It all happened so fast, there was no time to put my arms out or anything to save myself. I remember being on the concrete, not moving and hearing some guy asking me if I was ok. I get up and remember stammering around, not making sense and this guy walking me back up to my apartment and me sitting down, not making sense, still being unable to understand how this just happened. I can't hear fully, seeing stripes and now have a bump on my head the size of my fist. (Go ahead, you can laugh...I know you're picturing the bump that would appear after an anvil falls on a chartoon character....)

After calling my doctor, he tells me to go to the emergency room. Hours pass and as every doctor, nurse and physician's assistant passes me, I get more and more nervous and frustrated. Sitting on this chair for hours without any idea on how to help myself or cure me...never felt more helpless before in my life. I find out that I've broke a bone. I found it slightly humorous the first bone I've ever broke was my skull (right temporal bone). Once I find out I'm being transferred, I alert my family I'm being admitted to the hospital. Not going to lie, I started to freak out, especially after they start to poke me for IV's...tears involuntarily falling down my face.

My head is throbbing and I keep refusing pain killers because I hadn't ate in hours. They wouldn't let me eat until they received the results back from the CT Scans confirming they were negative and I didn't need any surgery. Once I calm down and I'm in the new hospital, my dad and sis show up. Not long after that, my brother shows up. They all end up crashing at the hospital overnight, my brother not sleeping at all, to keep me company and make sure I'm ok.

As the nature of my family is, the sarcasm oozes from us, so my brother starts to make jokes about things...and I can't stop laughing. Once I laugh really hard and it hurts! Ugh...I thought laughter is the best medicine...not in this case. I finally get a bed/room around 3am, which I walk in and hear a woman snoring as loud as can be. I get to eat around 3am and pass out soon there after. I'm awoke at 6am with a team of neurosurgeons, making sure I'm ok , ask me a few questions and fall back asleep. Those next few hours were interesting, as I shared a room with a woman who had brain surgery. At one point, they kicked me, my dad and sis out of the room as they had to do xrays on this woman. While I'm in the hallway, a new neuro doctor stops by to ask me questions etc. He approaches me, introduces himself and then asks if I'm the clutz. I say "You know, I'm able to embrace it, because I know the names are coming..." He smiles and laughs and asks me if I had an interesting story on how it happened. I say I wish I did, tell him the situation and he explains my condition. He says the fracture is a crack in my skull and is quite sizable and I'm very fortunate. Throughout this whole situation, I felt so very helpless. If there is one thing I learned through this whole ordeal, is I need to let others in. Words to the wise…don’t realize you can do everything on your own, sometimes, you need to let your guard down, forget about your pride and let others help you.

Today I had a follow up with the neurosurgeon and he told me he's shocked I went to work yesterday, said I am experiencing everything that someone with this injury would experience, nothing alarming. I asked about working out, moving around, feelings, sensations, ability to drink alcohol, etc. He said this is going to take some time to heal, anything you do, effects your brain...realize that. So...his diagnosis of the situation...concussion and right temporal bone fracture. He compared my situation to getting hit by Mike Tyson...interesting eh? His prescription for recovery...wine in moderation, no heavy drinking, no heavy lifting or working out and rest. I should be at 100% in 4-6 weeks...and I'm a lucky girl.

So much for starting the new year off on the right foot... ;)

Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

2010-01-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

A week before the holidays, NY (among other places) got a huge snow storm. Knowing what snows storms entail, we all did our shopping early, and settled in for a night of movies. We did have one other thing in mind...when one has cabin fever, always remember the option to head to the bar. So, about 9pm, as discussed, we head to the bar. I walk in the bar, about 20 or so people there. I realize I should go to the bathroom and clean off all this snow and make sure I don't look like a clown. While I'm walking in that direction, a guy at the bar waves at me, I don't recognize him, but I wave back anyway. Once I clean myself off I head back to the bar and sit down next to the guy who waved at me and said hey. It then clicked who he was. He’s a friend of friends…so we sit and talk. He’s waiting for friends and just having a bite to eat, I grab a beer and for the next hour or so, we chat and get to know each other. During this time, we talk about our mutual friends, we exchange information, talk about our careers, etc. For the sake of this story, we’ll call him Christopher #1.

Christopher’s friends get there…and he leaves to go outside. Still sitting at the bar, a guy comes up next to me, sits down in the chair and orders drinks. I told him someone was sitting there and he nicely obliged and then walked away with drinks. About 10 minutes go by and the guy who ordered drinks comes back and says “Was someone really sitting here?” Kind of shocked at the nerve this guy has, I say yeah and he replies “Oh, ok, My name is Christopher.” In my mind I’m like what the heck is going on here…(for the sake of this story, we’ll call him Christopher # 2)

(On a side note, if you remember the guy I was talking about in my last 2 blogs…his name was actually Christopher as well…so at this point, I’m laughing at the irony, we’ll call him the very first Christopher.)

So after he introduces himself, we chat for a little bit. He asks me for my number. I see Christopher #1 come back and he’s hanging out with his friends. We continue to chat, he buys me a drink, I do a Jager shot with him and his buddies, talk some more and I all of a sudden feel the need to look up. I look up and across the bar and Christopher #1 is looking at me, smiles and waves.
I excuse myself from Christopher #2 to go hang out with my friends. Sooner or later, I work my way over to Christopher #1 and we flirt a little, then back to my friends. So, I’m bouncing all over the bar… All of a sudden, the bar gets really packed…I see the very first Christopher walk in. He says hi to me, gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and we chat briefly. Then, less than an hour later, I see him distastefully making out with some girl up against the bar. Ok, one Christopher is eliminated….

So, I go back to talking to Christopher #1, we do a shot, joke around, take a few pictures, then to my friends and then over to Christopher #2. We talk for a little, then he tells me “Do you know you’re beautiful?” Ok…now, all girls want to hear compliments but buddy, I just met you a few hours ago…are you serious?!? I say thank you in a very odd tone and slowly remove myself from this situation.

I head back over to my friends, have a beer with them and chat. Christopher #1 and I chat more, we flirt more, and I get to know a lot about him. We have so much in common, it’s unreal. I find myself more and more interested as the night goes on…

All of a sudden, the lights come on, it can’t be 4am already?!? So, my friends, roommate and Christopher #1’s friends are all hanging out together and my roommate invites them all back to our place after enticing them with chili and beer. I didn’t know if I should say thank you or not. My roommate leaves the bar, I’m still talking to Christopher # 1, he walks me home and comes in due to the invite. We talk some more, I start to get tired and say I want to go to bed. While I get changed, I hand him the remote. He turns on a movie and when I get back, I hop into bed and get comfy. I love cuddling…and I could tell he did too. We cuddled and then he kissed my shoulder, then my cheek and then on the lips. The whole time, cuddling and nothing but sweet, sweet pecks…nothing more, nothing less. He didn’t try anything…and was totally a sweetie. I fell asleep and I feel him leave.

Hours later, I wake up and have a message on my phone that says “Sweet Dreams, message me in the morning.” I think wow, are there good guys that live here in the land of the lost?

Days have passed and we’ve messaged back and forth via text and bbm. The last time we spoke was New Years Eve/New Years Day. And now I find myself thinking…do I contact him? Is he not into me and maybe whatever happened that night because he expected me to be one of the local hoochies who want to just hook up? What happened to guys making moves?

Wait, have I really become that cynical, to think that all the guys where I live are no good?!?

No...ok, so what do I do? He seemed great and was so sweet, any other guy in the land of the lost would have at least made out with me and tried to make a move…

Hmmm…I’m lost… I was the one who last made contact with him…and for some reason now a days, if girls call, it’s like they have no life…but other guys think that girls that make the first move are hot. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t… So, do I wait and bbm/text him when I’m able to go out and have a drink together? Do I call him and say hi nonchalantly? I need assistance…I hate all these bs rules that go with dating now…please help!

Romanticism in the land of scantily clad hoes and the men who adore them...

2009-12-13T11:17:00.000-08:00

Whenever I can, on Sundays, I will head to Starbucks. It helps me clear my head and get ready for the upcoming week...that is unless you have the girl next to you with a keyboard that sounds like a professional tapdancer, and not in a good way, I could hear the tapping of her keys through my itunes. My musical mind was about to explode. Anyway, before I find a new location to park my behind and trying to ignore the musical chaos, I started thinking of the past week.

Last time I wrote, I wrote about the tale of two men. Since then, I think one got the message by reading my blog and the other one got the message through my actions. Don't know if it was the blog or ignoring him but the overzealous guy backed off... As for the other guy, I decided to unwind my week with some drinks and decided to grow a pair. I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink. He obliged, and we sat at the bar on a Thursday night for 4 hours talking. Through a glass of spiked cider, three beers and two jager shots, I discovered this guy I've admired from afar is incredibly open and honest, which I toally enjoyed. When I can chat with a guy about politics and not have him running for the door, I'm enamoured. He ended up walking me home on an incredibly frigid night and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Very sweet...but I wondered, is this how he treats all of his female friends...or even worse, is he one of them?

(Living in the land of the lost: scantily clad hoes and men who adore them, this isn't the place to find a relationship, hence, I don't want to tell anyone who this mystery man is. Not even my roommates know...well, other than his existance.)

Anyway, so yesterday, I'm shopping with my roommate, looking for the perfect attire for the local santa pub crawl and he bbm's me. We message back and forth and in the conversation he asks me if I want to hang out. Interesting...I get excited but don't show it too much, asking if he's going on the bar crawl and also telling him hanging out would be fun, etc. Then for some reason our conversation seems to get cut off or interrupted and I'm left hanging for hours, pondering if technology and communication tools are the bane of our existance...as they shut off prior ways of communication. Although frustrated, I let it go...

Later on that night, we have a blast at the pub crawl...from spying the super jew and santa, to the man who dressed up like a woman and was flashing everyone his red briefs, it was a good time. We head to the bar where most people go on Saturday nights and head to an open bar setting upstairs. There are a bunch of us upstairs and as it gets closer and closer to the time of the UFC fights, it begins to get more and more packed. I turn around to talk to someone and see him. He says hello and we chat for a little bit, as he's into the UFC fights...then as I walk away he goes back into the zone. After one of the fights, I go over and talk to him about the wretched advertising on the fighters butts. It's either the fighter's website or a pair of eyes. Seriously, a pair of eyes on someone's ass? really? While doing this, by accident my antlers poked him in the eye, hahaha, to try and play it off, I brushed my antlers up against his shirt.

(Due to my height, my antlers were getting tangled with other girls antlers in pics and poking those taller than me in the head and stuff, I felt bad but we were all drinking, couldn't hurt that much, right?)

I was quite a few in, say 6 or 7 at this point, so, maybe I didn't realize but feeling slightly embarrassed, I walked away. He continued to watch the fights and as I continued to watch the fight with my friends. I saw him head downstairs and later on a few of us were talking on the railing that overlooks the downstairs area and I see him talking to some blonde at the downstairs bar. All I could think of is, "yup, he's flirting with her just like he was flirting with me." My heart sunk...and I came to the conclusion, I'm a hopeless romantic...and wondered what was the cure for this evil illness.

As I was on my way home later on that night, I made a pledge to myself, don't contact him...and hope the jets lose tomorrow badly, so he will feel a twinge of some pain as I did glancing unexpectantly over the railing. I know he's not mine, but when I sat at the bar on Thursday night getting to know him...I felt so stellar, wondering if there is more than just superficial bs in the land of the lost. Could there be someone out there that really does make me feel the way I do/did?

the battle with dr. jekyl and mr. hyde

2009-12-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've seen myself in quite the predicament...a tale of two men. I will tell you all how it started...me and my damn blackberry. I get this new toy and bam, I need to give everyone my damn pin. Anyway, so one of the guys asked for my pin and I gave it to him. Naturally, realizing he was a friend of a friend, it's ok to give it to him, right? Well, now, it's come to a point where he won't stop texting/bbm'ing me these rediculous messages that make me want to regurgitate my lunch. Secondly, loving technology and being constantly in contact with people, I want to give everyone my pin. So, a friend I don't see very often, I see him at the bar and start talking to him. I honestly don't remember how we exchanged info, it was roughly 3am and I was definitely a few in. Since then, he's msg'd me and I've msg'd him...clearly not enough as I'd like. So, what's a girl to do...one guy won't give up and realize I'm not interested...and the other guy clearly isn't interested or doesn't realize I'm interested.

A few things I've learned throughout my life... Usually ignoring people, make them cease and desist...let's hope that works here too. Secondly, if you want something, like men, give them a little and they usually come back for more. So, wait, isn't that the same principle...I think I've just baffled myself!

Long story short...I would like to find a way to get rid of one and find out more about the other...and in life, you learn a lot from others...so, any suggestions on my lovely scenario? I don't know how I get myself into half of these issues...but I will say, it sure keeps life interesting... ;)

...the road to pumaville...

2009-11-29T12:35:00.001-08:00

Last night at dinner, 6 girls sat together to catch up and chat about our lives...one being married, two being married with children, one being married with a baby on the way and a single mother. Myself, the only single one with no attachments, we sat there and spoke about our follies in life, whether dealing with our families, careers, etc.

One of the main themes were...is it better to be married or single... Each of them presented their positives and negatives, with the married saying it's better to be single because married life isn't all what it's cracked up to be and the two singles saying that single life is also not what it's cracked up to be. So, we pondered...and of course the married chics look at the single chics to live vicariously through them... So of course, I start to talk...I start talking about recent developments in my life and a specific story came to mind...

Recently, on my sister's 18th birthday, my brother, his girlfriend and I (among others) headed into the city to act like we were 18 again. We had pregamed at my brother's apartment but no one was more sloshed than my brother. He gets into a conversation with a random stranger on the subway about women. He starts the conversation by saying to the guy "Yo, you have a girlfriend?" They go on to have a discussion about getting to know a girl, dating and getting laid. They went on to talk specifics about how after you see a girl naked for the first time, it's all downhill from there...there's nothing new to discover and that it's all over.

Now, this is not necessarily what I want to hear my little brother talking about...however, something clicked with me. I pondered...once we get older, some of us realize that holding out on giving it up with a new guy is juvenile...backing up the whole idea of being a puma, cougar, etc. Do what you feel is right, right? However, here is my brother giving me the man's perspective...that once a guy get's laid for the first time...as this stranger on the train said "it's a wrap." Hmm...talk about a speed bump on the road to pumaville. Hmmm...what is a girl to do?

So I present this to my roundtable forum, especially the other single lady... If you really like a guy, and consider there is a possibility for a future...do you sleep with him or do you wait out as long as you can? Whatever happened to the idea of no regrets? We never came up with an answer to these questions...but a couple thngs we did come up with is...sex isn't the same after you have a child and married people want to live through their single friends and encourage them to bring back juicy stories to entertain them for the next time they all get together.

Reeeeeeeeelease!

2009-08-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been almost two months since I've written last. This summer has been filled with a lot of fun, relaxing yet crazy and despite what many say, I'm ready for fall. For many, fall brings on new beginnings, school starts, whether it is you going back to school for another semester or sending your child back to school, it's the beginning of a whole new scene once again.

With new beginings (football, clothes, comforts, etc) it brings many things we need to evaluate or leave behind, in order for us to have a fresh new face once again. Now, leave behind doesn't necessarily take it's literal meaning, it's more like letting go. Sometimes, we don't realize that this unnecessary baggage travels with us like a nag, which will spark up when we least expect it or want it to surface. During the summer, I went through an awakening conversation with a friend of mine, and he taught me letting go is not only therapeutic but it's also part of creating a positive mind and spirit.

In a conversation with my friend Christopher, whether it's summer memories, a past relationship or something that's holding you from moving forward, he told me "I've seen amazing things happen when someone is fully released.... If you can fully release your attachment to finding out what happened" or went wrong or is over, chances are, other positive things will happen, just from letting it go.

So, do you think you can do it... Here are the steps below that Christopher told me, they are interesting and not easy, but anyone with a little determination and concentration can do it.

Here is your exercise:

First, see if you could allow yourself to visualize the worst possible outcome of what you are holding on to. (I.e. Will she ignore you forever? Will the money your brother owes you cause you two to never talk again? Did he date you just to get laid? etc, etc, etc.)

1)Could you allow yourself to welcome this feeling of unknowing and abandonment to be here as strongly as you possibly can?
(take a couple seconds, answer emotionally honestly 'yes' or 'no')

2)And now, just for a second, could you let it go?
(take a couple of seconds, same thing)

3)Would you be willing to let this go?
(same thing)

4)If not now, then when?
(same thing)

5)Now take a look inside, and see what thoughts, feelings, images, and emotions are circling within you. Could you allow that to come up and be with you as best as you possibly can?
(Now repeat this exercise, 4-5 times...take your time with each question, around a minute to a minute and a half see if you can really feel what your feeling)

Christopher has told me that he's seen amazing results from this because when people truly release their resistance or attachment to the outcome or situation, it's often surprisingly that many people see the highest outcome happen spontaneously.

I'm not saying it's easy...but to let grudges, thoughts, ideas or attachments go, to me is blissful as it's living with an open heart and an open mind.

Birthdays and Babies...

2009-07-02T12:43:00.000-07:00

You know you’re getting older when you receive more invitations to go to someone’s child’s birthday rather than people your own age. With my birthday roughly 2 weeks away, this makes me wonder what fantastic celebration am I going to have this year… Fantastic can definitely be used loosely, considering some years I’d have parties at my apartment, get a keg and other years rent out a section of a bar in the city, with 30 people, and just have a blast. My parties have been getting quite weak of late, I don’t know if it’s because we’re getting older or I’m getting broker… Becoming a teacher was one of the best things I could’ve done since I truly love my job. It really makes me feel good inside when one of my students come up to me and say “Thanks for all you’ve done for me this year.” OR “I’m upset you’re not teaching Politics next year.” However, taking a 30-35K pay cut is really wrecking havoc on my finances. This summer I would have loved to travel like I did last summer, but this year has been rough and my savings have been depleted so I’m staying home looking for a job.
So, life goes on, still putting the plans in the works for a birthday party, it’s definitely getting close and I need to make a decision sometime soon. I will post on facebook as well as send a text out with information. If you have any ideas, shoot me a message. As a final note, let's wish a happy birthday to our country and a very big thank you to all those troops domestic and abroad!
Happy Fourth of July Everyone! ;)

...and the verdict!

2009-07-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

So, last I left you with this absolutely amazing 6 hour date that went fabulously until the morning, where apparently tiredness sends all manners/courtesy for the hills. You didn't want to get drenched, and with three hours sleep, you're brain can only focus on so much!

As the day goes on, you're doing statistics on state exams and your brain starts to realize that maybe he might be upset or mad with you over how the morning went down. So, around 11am, you text him "Are you mad or upset with me?" (Previously, we'd text back and forth more than 10 times a day, so you don't even think about this being anything more than normal.) You go throughout the day realizing something isn't right and hope to figure out what it is.

The next day at 9:30pm, he sends a text “No, not mad or upset with you at all. Why are you saying that? How was your Thursday?" Ok, so now you have no idea what's going through his head. Yeah, he's busy, he has a career and he is a part owner in a business, but still...something isn't right.

So, you play the game as well, wait a day and the next day at 5pm, you reply, letting him know the events of the morning is what I thought may had made him mad and you just wanted to clear the air and make sure. Also, letting him know how my Thursday went and ask how his Thursday went (even though, it's now Saturday).

Ok, so on Tuesday, still no response from his last text, after a few glasses of wine pondering over our 6 hour first date, you realize this was different. Ever since the first moment you met this person, something felt right and you never feel this way. So, what are you going to do about it?!? So, you speak to your level headed guy-friends and ask them for advice. One gives you something you like saying to call, pretend everything is ok and just see what’s up. So, you do, you call, knowing most likely it will go to VM since your date works Tuesday nights. It goes to vm and you say “Hey, it’s ______. Just called to see what’s up, wondering if you’re doing anything this weekend. Give me a call, bye.” You figure if things were so right, so oddly right, why not give it one last attempt or try…

Ok, now it's a week and a half later and still, nothing. I know this mo fo is still alive, because when I drive to my parents house, I have to drive past the business he's part owner of and I see his car there.

After a 6 hour date that went so perfectly and no response like we’ve had previous to our date (10+ daily text messages and every other day 30 min plus phone calls) I can’t help but be a pessimist about the whole dating scene. Everyone has those dates where you feel nothing or realizing one person is coming on too strong. I personally will give someone a heads up if I know something isn’t going to work and politely do this asap in the following day or days after a first date. However, why can’t it be reciprocated? A 6 hour date, where everything goes perfectly?!? I can’t help but say my optimism flew the nest. Is he hiding something? I wish I could just know, because not knowing is driving me nuts inside. What do you think went wrong?

I definitely don't know but what I do know is I need to take a step back, wonder why I trust so easily and as my college friend used to say “Do you!” or rather in my case, just do me for a while. On that note, taking a sabatical from the dating scene and doing some tinkering on me for a lil... :)

Rate your own dating adventure... How do you think this went?

2009-06-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, so close your eyes and picture this. You decide to go out on a date with someone you’ve gotten to know pretty well in the past month. Non-stop text and phone conversations have made you intrigued about this person. You meet at your place and then he drives to the restaurant. Have an awesome dinner, great bottle of wine, and even better conversation. Meanwhile, it’s 11:30pm on a Wednesday night, the restaurant is closing soon and you both decide to go somewhere you can chat longer. So, you head to a nearby bar, enjoy a couple of beers each and talk some more. The time is flying and after those 2 beers each, you still both want to hang out. So, you say, “I have a bottle of wine back at my place, we can finish it?”

You head back to your place, finish the bottle of wine, which equaled 2 glasses each. Realizing you have to get up in 3.5 hours, you decide to get ready for bed and tell your date to crash at your place since you’ve both had a decent amount to drink and he lives roughly 15 miles away. Your date decides to crash there and you both lie down and watch TV. Watching TV becomes cuddling and soon the TV goes off. You continue to cuddle some more and then you’re date asks if we should kiss. You oblige and find yourself making out with your date. You kiss for a while and then he uses his strong upper body to whisk you on top and before things get too hot and heavy, you stop making out and return to cuddling.
(Sidebar: This wasn’t your normal cuddling…for those of you who have seen he’s just not that into you…remember the scene where Scarlett Johansson’s character gives in and becomes Conor, the real estate guy’s girlfriend? And they are cuddling in bed and Conor has his arms and one leg wrapped around her and she has this mortified face?!? Well, I wasn’t mortified but kind of surprised, but I embraced it.)
Soon enough, you both fall asleep and three hours later your alarm goes off. Hating life at that point, you get up and start your morning. You don’t have a hangover but you’re exhausted and once you’re ready you have to wake up your date. You watch TV while your date gets up and ready and then both of you realize, it’s raining outside for the ummteeth million day in a row and neither of you are happy about it. Once you’re both ready, you head towards the door, and open the door and see it’s not raining, it’s in fact pouring outside.

Great, you go grab your umbrella and head back towards the door but realize you only have one umbrella. Oh well, you use your umbrella and dart to your car hoping you can save yourself and not get drenched. Once you get in your car, you realize how much of an ass you just were to your date and decide to send a text to your date saying you were sorry, wish you gave a hug and a kiss good bye but you were preoccupied by the rain. Your date responds “No worries, I’ll survive. This rain sucks, please drive carefully.” You respond “You do the same. Had a great time last night.”

Spark!

2009-06-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

In February, I moved out of my temporary location into an awesome new place. I’ve met tons of great new people, all who have welcomed me into their lives. This move, metaphorically, represented a new start or rather a refurbished version of myself. Always keep your eyes and ears open because you never know who you may meet and how they may complement your life. I promised myself I’d stay single until at least summer, in doing so, met someone who I may have jumped the gun on, but realized or sort-of convinced myself, friendship is much more important. Plus, who knows, we may have some friends that we may be compatible with? You never know right?

A few months ago, amidst the beginnings of the chaos known as my last semester of grad school, I made time to go out on a date. While out, I learned a lot about him, especially his future aspirations to get involved in his local political circuit. As the date went on, he mentioned certain things about religion among a few other things that made me realize this would never work. Plus, there was no spark. We have remained friends…

While grad school was becoming uber-hectic, sometimes spending 20+ hours over the weekend at the library, I was asked out on a date by a different guy. I, of course, had to put this off until after the semester was over but recently was able to take advantage of my newly found free time to go out.

The funniest part about the night of this date was me getting off the subway and getting lost on the lower east side. I end up walking into this heavy metal/hard rock collectors store (which was pretty damn cool, I must say) being in shock and awe while asking for directions. This store amazed me but the genuine associate got me back on track with a nice walk through the projects in my J Crew/Martin & Osa/Express ensemble and a “hey mami, you lookin’ good!” Thank God, I’m starting to get my explicit blushing under control…

We went to an awesome Italian restaurant and had great wine, food and above all great conversation. I had a fantastic time but realized, once again, no spark. I hope we can remain friends and pretty sure we will.

In the past week, I found myself being kind of/sort of asked out on another date by an aspiring politician, but this time on the national circuit, one who my instincts tell me may not be a good match at all. You’d think I was involved in the RNC/DNC or something?!? First, feeling the impulse to come out and use Phoebe’s line (Friends) “…a girl’s gotta eat!” but I realize that I need to be open minded and remember my new mantra, never know what I may get out of us going out for a few drinks or dinner. Psh, above all girl, network!!

There’s one other guy too…and I find myself intrigued and interested by him the most. After an invitation for drinks, took a rain check on him as I had plans, saying maybe another time. It’s all about putting yourself out there and as I’ve told my friends, it’s the law of numbers, my number will come up soon. And as I refuse to do what some people I know do (icky websites such as Snatch.com, oops, I meant Match.com, etc), I take life day by day and enjoy it. Every person you meet is a gift, whether it’s temporary or permanent, there is a reason why these people are in your life. As one of my friends from college told me “People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.” We all just need to learn to enjoy it…

Retinkering of the flirtation devices...

2009-05-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

My best guy friend has told me, my ways of flirtation are quite goofy and disproportionate. For example, I may flirt with someone by acting like a 6 year old, by attempting to gain attention from the guy, by poking, tickling, grabbing an ass, etc. Yet, when I do something like this, I do it to all my guy friends and not just one who I may be crushing on, so my flirtatious behavior goes unnoticed and all is a wash.

So, with no crush-suspects on the horizon and no opportunity better than the present, I ask you, what is flirtation and how can one improve their flirtation devices? Per Wikipedia, flirting "is a common form of social interaction whereby one person obliquely (indirectly) indicates a romantic and/or sexual interest towards another. It can consist of conversation, body language, or brief physical contact." It goes on to say "People flirt for a number of reasons. It is often used as a means of indicating interest and gauging the other person's interest in a relationship."

Indirectly indicating interest?!?! Wayyy too forward! Sorry, I guess it's my conservative side coming out to play, or rather, hiding from play. I consult with a good friend of mine, who is the flirtation master, what works with guys. He said "my advice would be to just be yourself, make sure that he knows you're interested." Ok, I ask...how? He says "Think having fun and getting to know him. ...be flirty and small touches, you know the small of the back, shoulder. Tell him he's really cute, tell him you're really glad that you're out hanging out with HIM. He should get the hint and give you a kiss at some point. If not, then he is either really shy or not into you."

Ok, although that seems like flirting 101, maybe I need to take a step back and realize it seems that guys are attentive to the exact flirtatious ways/gestures that us chics expect from them. Interesting...maybe I'm bad at this because I've never really made the first move being someone who expects the guy to make the first move...all of my relationships, the guy has always made the intitiatve. Hey, maybe that's my problem, I don't know.

Ok, to conclude regarding the reconfiguring of my flirtatious ways...I'm saying I won't change a bit, just stay the way I am and enjoy life letting things happen naturally. To all those guys I've felt their asses or poked them, I apologize, nine times out of ten, it was just me being me... ;)

Tis' the season for ex's, the crazy present and unknown futures...

2009-05-23T07:27:00.001-07:00

You ever spend that night where it feels you are running away from your past and chasing your future?
Yesterday, I head out to a bar with friends, had a few drinks, which turned into hours of drinking. We all hung out at one bar, which turned into bar hopping. After we left the first bar, we ended up going to a bar where I happened to see my ex. Yeah, it's all good, I think it's silently understood that we stay at opposite ends of the bar and do our own thing. I was having a blast, watching the Yankee game and enjoying some bevos. At one point, I'm having a conversation with a friend and one of my other friends taps me on the shoulder saying "someone sent us these drinks?" The bartender says a name and I was like "ohhhh...ok. Thanks." "Drink up boys, these are on my ex!" I was close to being drunk, so I passed on the four drinks/shots to the guys I was hanging out with and just continued my conversation with my old friend/coworker.
We soon left that bar...headed to a new bar and quickly another bar after that. It was at that point, I decided to grab some food. I did this hans solo because none of the guys wanted grub, so I grabbed a slice and proceeded to eat quickly so I could catch up. As soon as I was done, I ran into two more people from my past. I haven't seen these two in forever and it was good to catch up. I headed back out to meet up with the guys and soon after that, I realized I needed to slow down. We'd been out for 7 hours drinking and I decided I was done. It was at this same time I started to realize how clingy (and gross) some guys can be once they drink too much. So, as for an escape from the bars and the ick, I headed to another bar to chat with my friend the bartender. I hung out with her for a good 30 minutes and then headed home. The bars were craaaazy busy, but tis' the season.
Although I dealt with the ex across the bar and was somewhat manhandled by the gross drunken friend of ours who followed me from one bar to the next, I have to say, I am one lucky girl who has great friends; it gives hope for future endeavours and how I can figure out how to crack the code to the next chapter of my life...

To commit or not to commit...

2009-05-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently told me he's engaged. Being a woman with analysis-paralysis, I ponder a lot of things. Being a 28 year old single woman, the one thing that truly stumps my mind is what makes a man want to settle down?

Living in the area I currently live in, men (and some women) realize that it's an area with an influx of seasonal bikini clad chics and it sets off an alarm in their heads', "opportunity to get some, opportunity to get some" especially knowing that these chics/dudes are headed back to their locale within the next few days and they probably won't see them again. But, here, just like everywhere, there are a few, that decide to date and or settle down. What, why, are these guys different?

Back to my friend...since he's a good friend of mine, I proceeded to ask him what made him want to settle down. After a few obvious jokes, he came out with it.

He told me...
"...well, she has the core qualities that I require. Of course she has her flaws but everyone does so it's the important stuff that she needs to have. Good family values, smart, attractive, faithful and low maintenance and likes to drink...with that said, I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life and experience the having kids part of life."

This guy is only 30-31 years old...so it's interesting, we all mature to want to "settle down" at different times in our life...and some obviously, don't want to settle down.

My personal favorite was the usage of the word "require." Anyway, deep down, men and women want the same thing. Ok, ok...most men and women, that is. Definitely not looking to find someone and shack up tomorrow...but it's good to know that the common man does value a good woman when he sees one.

Is working hard the answer to a successful life?

2009-05-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

My grandfather, a WWII veteran, always told us to try our best and graduate high school… As we got older, he realized high school, unlike in his times, was barely a stepping stone. He then said, as he sent me off to college, do your best and graduate. Four years later, I graduated. He wasn’t able to see me graduate but sent his love with the rest of my family.

After graduation, I stayed in FL for an additional 2.5 years. After graduation, I enjoyed spending time with friends but something was always missing. In time, I figured out what it was and started an excursion on my own. In August of 2004, my best friend and I packed up my stuff, loaded it in a U-Haul and with no job awaiting headed to the Midwest. We took a road trip from Tampa, FL to Chicago, IL. I found a job within a month and a half, settled down in Chicago and then realized, something is still missing. Roughly one year later, I cashed in on an opportunity I received in college, and had a job in Manhattan working in Insurance.

June 2005, I was back in NY and never felt better. Life was awesome and I felt an itch to live where I worked. After a few months, I had an apartment on the Upper East Side. Life was great and I loved living in the city. Happy hours, working with young, cool people, meeting up with alumni and friends I hadn’t seen in years… I was having a blast. I had just finished my MBA and was enjoying myself in the best city the US has to offer.

Two years went by; I realized my position was boring me. Not only that, but…I wasn’t being paid my value. So, I began to look for another opportunity. I sent my resume out to numerous places and landed a sales job in Public Relations with the company I’d worked for in Chicago. Slight pay cut but the commissions would make up for it. While I was working at the new sales position, I realized it was now or never on the idea of getting into education. I researched several schools on a variety of factors and proceeded to select St. John’s. Also, I made the decision to move back to Westchester and get a car, due to the need of transportation to St. John’s. By November of 2006, I had a nice place in Westchester and a brand new leased car. Interestingly enough, God had another idea in store. My grandfather passed away in November from heart failure. I wasn’t extremely close to my grandfather, although I admired him from afar. A simple man, family was the “be all, end all” and preached that working hard was the answer to a successful life. Spoken like a true immigrant, however his family had been in the US for several generations…

I’ve always been known to be the rock of my family and friends; the one who holds things down and stays strong to support the masses. That bunch of bright and chilly days in November, life threw me the proverbial curveball. My Lutheran grandfather, who volunteered within the church and community, a Mason, had a huge presence within the boyscouts and more, was known by many. When the service was given, I was expecting the generic speech about God opening his doors and accepting my grandfather into a new chapter in his life, blah, blah, blah. This pastor spoke about my grandfather like he’d known him all his life: his aspirations, dreams and goals…spoke of specific instances of him spending time with his family, like the hiking and walking trails he’d go on with my brother, and so much more. I think many of us (myself included) are welcoming to the numbified generic speeches given at such events but this was an eye awakening and dam breaking sermon for me. Even though my brother and I are very easy to appear the emotional rocks in our family, I was done. Nothing was holding back the tears at this point. I looked at my brother, saw his glassy baby blues and realized it was ok.

The day came where we buried grandpa and as they placed his casket on the ground, my grandmother started to cry. I don’t know if it was the pastor’s sermon or me realizing I knew my grandfather better than I thought, which made me more open to shedding tears…but I knew it was ok.

Three years later, I’ve now accomplished so much but there is so much more in life to accomplish. I know my grandfather is looking down at me proud as can be. This Sunday, when I graduate, I hope he can send words of wisdom to me, helping me choose my path beyond this chapter in life. He’d always said “try your best” although at this point and time…I’m not sure if “try your best” is enough…

permesso...?

2009-05-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

I've always enjoyed writing to clear my heart and mind. Also, I've been told that some of my stories or endeavours are somewhat entertaining. Previously, on Xanga, I wrote of the life as a single, working girl in the city, now, I will continue, with a new chapter...
I'd like to call it the search for the sweet life, however, I'm not sure it's 100% appropriate. All of us are in search of the sweet life, the best of what life has to offer, however, for me, blogging is usually putting myself out there for other's enjoyment and selfishly enough, internal cleansing. So, we'll call it "...confiscation of thoughts..."
So, with your permission, buckle up, enjoy the ride...and hopefully I can make you laugh or even contemplate something you never thought about before...God forbid! ;)